Worthy to Shine

by Lorree | May 10, 2022 | 0 comments

This is a vulnerable story from my childhood and I am keeping some details vague for the protection of others privacy. My intentions of sharing my perspective is so I can integrate the lessons and trust that some who reads this will relate to their own reasons for not seeing their value.

Most of my life I have felt unworthy to be recognized as exceptional. What comes up for me is that some people may think I think I’m better than them so I don’t talk about this. Until today….

I hid from my specialness, my too muchness, my ability to shine and stand out. I have qualities which attract others, I can’t say exactly what they are as they are innate to me.

I am all of these things however in the past I didn’t feel safe to own any of them.

The judging critical voice in my head says: “It’s not ok to be better than others, especially when you are publicly acknowledged.” “I am vain, seeking attention, oh look at me, I’m extra special.” This means I am not like everyone else, which means I do not belong.

Do you believe it? I did, it was deeply ingrained into me. I learned this false belief early on.

My whole life my value has been pushed down BY ME because I had a belief that this part of me was wrong to be special, noticed, the best, celebrated.

There’s always a story to our false beliefs, since I was little I was the favourite great-grandchild, I was made a big deal of, given gifts, taken places, bragged about to others, and often my sibling was not included.

My grandmother noticed and made a big deal about it not being fair and she made sure it was fair, my sibling got everything I got and we all knew about it. Of course this was fair, but the messaging sunk into both of us deeply.

We were just kids and like siblings do, we had rivalry throughout our childhood. I don’t remember how I felt about this favouritism until I was 12, and when I realized I didn’t like it.

Before that I didn’t know any better. Our parents were separated when we were young and I spent a lot of time over the years at my great grandmother and became her favourite.

In reflection I realized my great grandmother and my grandmother had their own rivalry between them and we were caught up in their unhealed relationship. I don’t blame them, they did there best with what they had to work with.

However it did a number on me and my sibling, all part of our soul adventures to feel separate, alone and not enough but nonetheless it affected both of our self-esteem. For them I’m sure it wasn’t fun being in the shadow of the favourite child and not feeling enough or lovable.

For me I have struggled with feeling worthy of receiving without giving, of being who I really am and owning it. I overcompensate to feel worthy of receiving what comes to me or what I work for and even though I have been recognized for my exceptionalism I always felt someone else would be more deserving of the recognition than me.

This recently happened again, I was being praised for being me and I felt uncomfortable to accept their praises. I thanked them for the compliments and was told in no uncertain terms, these may be compliments to me but to them they were truths.

That statement hit me hard, I wasn’t owning the truth in the value of who I am. I wasn’t stepping into my greatness because someone else is greater, or not, and then I’m full of myself for shining and seeing myself as a valuable asset worthy of being recognized.

So in sharing this story I am reflecting again that it’s time to step up and show up fully as me. If others feel unworthy or think I’m bragging that’s on them. I can no longer dim my shine so they feel better.

I am not helping anyone when I shrink myself and if I don’t own who I am someone else will and they may mis-represent me.

P.S. this actually just happened as I am currently being impersonated on Instagram and this isn’t the first time I’ve been impersonated. See my short video here sharing another vulnerable story about my learnings from that soul adventure.

Time to shine bright! ????

Besides impacting the lives of others to ‘be real and love life’ the most powerful thing about the work I get to do is the reflections of the teachings that come back to me. I always receive some type of wisdom, healing or blessing from the experience, whether it’s a private, group session or a speaking event.

Whatever the message is that I’ve conveyed I am somehow reminded of how it applies to me as well and it guides me towards the next stage of my growth.

Being aware of the subtle messages that are being sent to guide us forward is very empowering.

Last weekend at the Soul Full Day conference, I guided a group of 70 women through a visualization meditation to identify and let go of a fear story holding them back from what they truly wanted for their life, freedom to live their love story.

It was remarkable to witness them releasing the fear and claiming their love stories, seeing and feeling themselves living in the higher potential of their dreams.

This week I’ve been deeply reminded of the fear story that I’ve been carrying, ‘not being well enough to live a fulfilling life because my digestive health is failing’.

This is the same story my grandmother carried, and she died in fear with this story in her which was unconsciously passed on to me, and I accepted it.

For 8 years now I’ve been having various challenges with my digestive health. I’ve seen many different professionals and tried many different remedies and lifestyle changes. Some have worked and some haven’t. Over time things seemed to have mostly settled, then just a month ago the issues flared up again in a bigger way.

This brought up the old fear story for me as I prepare for a trip of a lifetime. I’m going to Egypt on a sacred pilgrimage to the visit the lands and ancient sites with 13 other women. This will be my first trip overseas and I’ve always been fascinated with Egyptian history, never thinking I would get the opportunity to visit until it showed up to me. I was very drawn to go, and decided I was going, even though it felt way outside my ability to be able to take such a trip.

Worries and a wide range of emotions have been coming up for me since these flare ups have been happening. My mind races and makes up stories based in old fears.

What if I am not well enough to fully experience this trip? What if I am stuck in my room and miss the tours, or what if I am not able to digest the food there? All that disappointment and money spent if I might not be able to full experience it.

These stories are very similar to what my grandmother used to tell herself. She was afraid to go far from home, let alone on a plane to another country. Everything centred around her digestive limitations and she was petrified of having an ‘accident’ while out in public. These fear stories debilitated her and she became a hermit and was very lonely in her later years.

I will never forget seeing her in the final days of her life living in fear. I visited her almost every day and seeing her like that was very sad because there wasn’t much I could do other than comfort and reassure her that she would be ok.

What it did do was motivate me to face my own fears and not go down the same path as she did. In this regard, she was a great teacher to me and not long after she transitioned I was divinely guided to take the Radical Forgiveness Master Coach 10 day training in Atlanta.

It was a huge step for me, and again way outside my comfort zone, but in the end it was one of the best things I could have done for myself because it set me on the trajectory of facing my fears, and the journey of living my love story.

I am eternally grateful to be on this path of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance just as I am, and in time I have learned to love myself. I’m still on this healing journey however this year I’ve had some major shifts in this area of my life and feel truly worthy and deserving of this love for myself because I have freedom from the fears.

This is where the synchronicity comes in again.

It just so happens that this Friday, the day I fly to Egypt, is the 9 year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing, and it’s a full moon! You just can’t make these things up. I didn’t realize the mysterious alignment of these dates until just a few weeks ago.

In numerology the number 9 represents endings and completions and I have a strong intuitive feeling that this trip is going to be transformational for me as a new beginning.

The other day when I was dancing my grandmother came to my mind, she was dancing with me, and I know she is leaving me these breadcrumb signs to follow to complete this stage of my journey. I made a promise to her that I was going to end the cycle of fear she carried and commit myself to healing into wholeness.

I have no doubt that this is all happening for me, rather than to me. And unlike my grandmother, I will face my fears and take this trip and I will trust in the divine unfoldment of it all.

I am reminded that everything is always working out for me, even if it doesn’t seem that way and she is cheering me on all along the way.

These are the same phrases I spoke to the women when I was on stage just a few days ago and they echo loudly in my mind as the beautiful blessings of having the freedom to live my love story.

If you would like to experience the guided visualization for yourself listen to the audio recording so you too can be free from your fear story and claim your love story.

In my next blog I will share about my travel adventures so stay tuned, and if you would like to be notified when I share it you can join my email Love Letter list at the bottom of this page.

Until next time… thank you for being here.

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