I want to share a story of a girl who was so shy and scared in her early years, she never felt like she fit in.
Having developed early she experienced body shaming prior to adolescence and she felt like an outcast, like there was something wrong with her. She just wanted the other kids to like her, so much to the point that she made some unwise decisions which got her into a lot of trouble. Arrests, unplanned pregnancy, and abortion left emotional scars. These early experiences shrank her being and she vowed to stay safe at all costs.
Deep down all she wanted was love and acceptance, and looking for it externally was how she found it… temporarily. Her strong need to feel safe kept her living in fear every day of her life, fear of not being enough in many ways, fear of taking risks, and fear of speaking her mind. She knew nothing else, she felt trapped, alone and stuck thinking there was no way out.
She gave and gave until she had nothing more to give, and then she gave some more. She didn’t know how to receive. When she did receive love, appreciation or acceptance externally it was never enough, just like how she felt about herself.
She numbed herself to alleviate the pain of being in her body, feeling unsafe and less than. But she did have a spark that kept her going, giving her reasons to keep a positive outlook and she could see the kindness and pain in others and her heart filled up. She muddled through life, striving for better and knowing she could pull herself out of this…. if she just did better.
In her adult years, she chose to show her good side to the world. No one knew what she was struggling with internally except a few, but even they didn’t really know. She fell into people pleasing which turned into co-dependent relationships with loved ones. The Universe was trying to tell her to wake up and pay attention. She had lots of aches and pains and a couple of car accidents to slow her down but nothing worked…. she didn’t focus much on herself.
She continued to live in fear. She had a lot of self-doubts and didn’t know how to trust herself so she listened to other people and what they thought she SHOULD do. She would give it her all and always felt dissatisfied.
She tried to help others who didn’t want to help themselves and she felt like she failed them every time. She became resentful and stuffed her anger down because she wasn’t an angry person, she was a nice person.
Eventually, it all came to the surface in the forms of emotional outbursts, anxiety, and bouts of depression, but she didn’t know that’s what was happening, she thought it was normal.
It WAS her normal.
Then the Universe got louder…experiencing death and trauma started to wake her up and it led her to make a conscious decision to look for a change because she knew what she was doing was not working. She was sick of feeling less than, like a victim of circumstance and she began to take her power back, set boundaries and love herself.
She started to put herself first, she daydreamed of what SHE wanted in life, she played and began to express herself. This was very foreign to her, she rarely ever did these things, she didn’t think it was for her, she felt awkward and uncomfortable when she expressed herself. It was a slow process and she bounced back and forth from taking small risks to safety.
She struggled with guilt and shame for putting herself first, she battled these feelings in her mind on a daily basis, but she kept pushing on and asking for help from those she trusted. Slowly she began to heal and realize that all of the fear she was feeling and living was an illusion, but at the same time, it was very real to her because she had created so many stories around it. It was her identity.
She knew there was something more though, something bigger, something sacred, she just knew, so she kept going. She surrounded herself with a few select people who loved and supported her for who she was, not who they wanted her to be.
Then she found Radical Forgiveness. She knew getting radical was what she needed because her past was showing up in her present and it was living in every cell of her body. These fears were deep-rooted and she had to keep her momentum going forward towards seeing the truth of who she really was and processing all the incredible lessons she was learning along the way.
It would be so easy to go back to the old way of being but she knew she was on to something because she would see glimmers of her light shining out. As she forgave those who hurt her her heart filled up again, and she realized the most important person she had to forgive was herself.
She had a lot of resistance around forgiving herself she… eventually did, and she still does. Those old fears still creep in but she’s aware of them and she knows how to handle them when they do.
She now looks at her fears showing up as a gift. It’s another layer ready to peel away, to make room for new ways of being and it allows her to shine brighter and help others, which is what she’s always been drawn to do, and now it’s in a healthy and empowering way.
She finally found love internally and began to accept who she was, all of her, she began to feel whole, worthy, enough, ALIVE! Her journey is still going and she is much happier, wiser and eternally grateful for it, ALL OF IT.
As you’ve probably guessed by now, SHE is ME!
It took me a lot of courage to put some of my personal struggles into writing and I do it to help others who are feeling similar, because I know I am not alone. We all have a light within us that is just waiting to shine.
Are you ready for a change? Are you ready to shine? Let’s do it together! We are not alone, we are all the same, we all have fears, doubts, and Love and Light to shine within us.
Oh Lorraine, your story made me weep for the little girl. But not only that it so closely resembled my story and journey back to me.
Thank you for sharing. Much love to you.
Thank you Barb, I’m so glad you resonated with it. That’s exactly why I wrote it. My pleasure and much love to you too!